Exhaustion kicked in today. I got up and then, while I was washing my hair I had the most awful thoughts: scoring some smack and offing myself; getting hold of a gun and shooting myself in the head (but then, dismissing that following a fascinating National Geographic article from last year); cutting myself just to offset the pain of the stress. This happens sometimes and usually, it has to do with self-harm, from which I have refrained for years now. The thoughts, though, and refraining from acting on them, are exhausting.
This is the reality sometimes. The Local Authority’s management commissions a mainstream tuition company for SEND children; the case worker refutes that he and the SENCO of Daniel’s old school have engineered his exclusion from the education system for 7 months now; the tutor we were sent turned out, with the babysitter, to collude in taking footage of my son (photographic and video) and then the tutor made some shocking statements on Wednesday. Though the babysitter attested that she took the video of Daniel in order to vindicate him in case the tutor made any allegations, she has had to go. I walk a tight enough line here; I cannot afford the mistakes of others. For about 6 years now I have been doing a difficult balancing act to discern where punishment of my son is appropriate, and where his behaviour is a symptom of his wiring, therefore exercising some compassion. So when someone else makes a poor judgement call on my child they have to go.
The case worker is more difficult; he says that the management instructs him to use this particular mainstream tuition provider. “But you are the SEND team,” I said. He maintained that this is orders from the management. One of these is the Director of Children’s Services for Surrey; I’ll get to him in due course.
I’ve called a meeting with the case worker and his line manager and this will take place on Wednesday. “Unfortunately” said the case worker’s email, their overall manager “is unable to be there”. I’ll get to her, too.
But the sheer exhaustion of this week in particular made those thoughts while I was in the bath knock every bit of energy out of my body and, when I came out, I said to Mum, “I can’t do it today”. I went to bed and slept, while Mum took Daniel out for some new wellington boots. It has helped a little; but we are staying at Mum’s at the moment because I do not want to be alone with my head. I cannot do this on my own. I need to rest.
ASD: on being a special-needs single parent 